NUTS
A reader sent us this amusing piece on the new Australian GST, and although Australians may laugh loudest - it's a good commentary on tax in general:
By now, of course, you've read all those GST information leaflets our government has been sending out, and you have a complete under- standing of how it's all going to work. Here is a simple explanation:
The new system is NUTS - the New Universal Taxation System - and although it may appear to be complicated, it is easy to understand. Basically, it is STUFFT -- the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.
Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels. Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS. The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO)
Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity State- ment Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month. Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD out.
Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classi- fied as a SUCKER (Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefits, in which case they are classified as a RATBAG (Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Guarantee).
All SUCKERs and RATBAGs will be required to complete a DAFT (Direct Application For Taxation) form. The completed DAFT form will be assessed by a local MORON (Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator) who determines the amount of CRAP (Credited Refund Allowance Payment) the taxpayer will receive.
Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the Government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as either STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation) or IDIOTIC (Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Installment Credit).
If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to ABUN with NUTS. You will need to apply for the new allowance provided jointly by both State and Federal Governments, JOB (Joint Organisation Benefit). Any RATBAG who does not apply for a JOB can get STUFFT.
From July 1, when all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses need to submit a fortnightly General Allocation Rebate For Business And Goods Estimate (GARBAGE) report to the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the 30th of each month.
All small businesses must be registered as Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST) by June 30th, and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular full-time basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK) on or before July 1. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST.
In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS). It is anticipated that, by the end of the next financial year, all business will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.
Thanks for your comments - they are always welcome!
