150 Greatest Robin Williams Jokes
[from here]
150. Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
149. I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.
148. You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
147. Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
146. Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
145. We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
144. Reality: What a concept!
143. The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
142. If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
141. Comedy is acting out optimism.
140. When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
139. We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.
138. Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
137. Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"
136. The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
135. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
134. Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?
133. People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
132. And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.
131. Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial - it just doesn't work!
130. We're a heavily medicated society. All the drugs we take: Prozac, Effexor, Valium. I thought for the last ten years, we've been on some weird fucking drug - the whole country - called "Fukitol."
129. Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.
128. I remember was the economy was working and there was a budget surplus. Yeah! "Where's Clinton?" We impeached him. "Fuck! For what?" A blowjob. "Wow! Who did he blow, Putin?"
127. Thank you for the standing ovations! We had the orgasm up front. Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.
126. And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.
125. Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
124. The moment the Pope dies, they take him through St. Peter's Basilica, and fifty thousand cell phones are like [pantomimes the clicking sounds of camera phones] And I'm sure that was his last wish. "When I die, I want to be a screensaver."
123. Being a father, you can't drink any more. You can't come home drunk, going.. [ drunkenly ] "Daddy wants to play! Here's a little switch - I'm gonna throw up on you!"
122. If you can remember the '60s, you weren't there.
121. And what's George W. Bush doing now? He's a motivational speaker. It's kind of cool. It's kind of like having Lindsay Lohan as a guidance counselor.
120. Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
119. [Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
118. When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
117. I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
116. Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
115. Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
114. On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.
113. The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.
112. It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
111. I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain, but number two, and more importantly, to jump start my colon.
110. I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
109. Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many; and "tics" meaning bloodsucking creatures.
108. When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...
107. And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
106. What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
105. I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"
104. In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."
103. Obviously this is not gonna be a normal night of theater! This will be Shakespeare with a strap on!
102. People like to great New Yorkers: "Have a nice day, asshole!" "Fuck you, my friend! Enjoy your day!"
101. I live in California. I live on God's Etch-A-Sketch. It's crazy.
100. I know many of you have been looking for Sarah Palin's book; it is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction in the fantasy aisle.
99. I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
98. If you go to South West Airlines: "You're not fat, you're horizontally challenged" Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats. The problem is that they are not together.
97. The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey. God bless you Canadian people. You're so fucking nice eh. It's your only fucking sport, come on! That and a mutant form of football. "We've got men, we have a longer field." You have fun, enjoy! Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party. Keep it down, eh!
96. I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply, "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"
95. Male cats have an amazing thing, kinda walk around going: "That's mine!" "Mine!" "I like that too." Thank God men aren't like that! "Nice car, Bob. Mine now!"
94. If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.
93. The main thing - the main thing about the kid - the midget, as we call him, the special one - he gives me a great sense. I feel good about him, because I always have this dream - I have this dream.. well, like, I guess, every father - but you have a dream that maybe one day.. one day, it'll be my son accepting the Nobel Prize. I also have this other dream where it's my son going.. [ in redneck twang ] "You want fries with this?"
92. Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
91. There's a syndrome called "restless leg syndrome". What the fuck is that, a tendency to break out into Riverdance?
90. Inside of you, there's a fashion model just waiting to throw up.
89. Before the lethal injection, they do an alcohol swab. Which is so nice! What the fuck are you doing? We don't want you to get that last second infection!
88. When I find out a hotel doesn't have a DSL, it's like "What? There's no toilet?" Once you get used to high speed you aint going back.
87. My God. Weve had cloning in the South for years. Its called cousins.
86. I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is. And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. He is the only man on the planet who can go: "Anthrax? All right..."
85. Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids. Here's one quick way you tell: on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows.
So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you're out!
84. When a woman has to go to the gynaecologist, you don't want a doctor who has a hobby. You don't want a gynaecologist who's also a magician. You don't want: "How are we today? Uh, a dove!" "What's this?!" "Is this your card?"
83. How can you tell if Congress was sick? It's night of the living dead anyway. All those old senators going: "The confederate flag is just the symbol of states' rights." Yeah, and the swastika is just a good luck charm.
82. No, being a father, you feel incredible. It's outrageous. The best thing for me is, well.. watching my baby breastfeed. It's something very special. I know he's only ten months old, but that's enough! Because I have this incredible fear, I have this fear that, during the night, a midget came in and took his place. So while my wife's breastfeeding, there's this midget going, "Hey, nice tomatoes! How are ya'!"
81. There was a guy in the South who said "They should have NASCAR in the Olympics." And it was like "mmm hmm." At that moment, even Darwin was going "Come with me. This is the ascent of Man. You stand here."
80. Canadian money is also called "the Looney". How can you take an economic crisis seriously? - The Looney is down! - Oh, how sad for you!
79. They said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug". Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run.
78. They say there's no global warming. But right now the North Pole is a pool. It is beyond global warming. At this point it's cooking.
77. I can't even get a condom on when I want to! "Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on." "I'll be right with you, honey." "Don't go away on me now." You're playing "Beat the cock". "I got it, I got it!" There's your penis like a midget in a diving suit... "I don't think we're going in today, Pete. We didn't make the deadline."
76. Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.
75. Okra is the closest thing to nylon I`ve ever eaten. It`s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
74. Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
73. If you're basically having Frosted Flakes, and you're older than ten years old and it's after ten o'clock in the morning... I'm gonna guess: weed may be involved.
72. People go "now, Robin, how do I know if I'm an alcoholic?" Well as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed going "Hey! Somebody shit in my pants!"
71. Number two, you have a couple of cocktails, you find yourself on the freeway going, "What are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?"
70. Number three, you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls.
69. Ta da! You are an alcoholic! And some people say "Robin, I'm a *functioning* alcoholic!" Which is, you can be one. It's like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
68. You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!
67. Blackouts, I joke, are like sleepwalking with activities.
66. If its the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
65. Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. I've seen him going to a drug dealer who said: "I'm out, man!" "I have nothing left."
64. Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes, "I don't know where. I don't know when. But something awful's going to happen. Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions." Excuse me, can you give me a clue? What is it, the Central "Intuitive" Agency now?
63. The drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called Propofol. Which, it's nickname is milk of amnesia. Fucking insane drug. I had that in a surgical situation. Michael Jackson was taking Propofol at home to sleep. Fuck off. A doctor said taking Propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you're tired of shaving your fucking head.
62. Youll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water.
61. The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "What the fuck is going on with you people?"
60. The definition of pornography is quite simple. Erotic is using a feather, pornography is using the entire chicken.
59. If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?
58. When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack-smoking, wife-beating motherfucker."
57. Some things you may want to stay away from while drinking heavily. Ebay, not a good idea. Ebay and alcoholism, perfect storm of addiction. You'll find yourself up to your ass in George Foreman grills and Sham Wows.
56. I love the guys who say "I watch NASCAR for the racing." Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting. You LIAR!
55. I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
54. We may all be dead and gone, Keith Richards will still be there with five cockroaches. He'll be going, "I smoked your uncle, did you know that?
53. You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) Its the same sex all the time.'
52. Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
51. A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. Theyd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
50. The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.
49. Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends: "Take out your keys, sir." "Tip of the iceberg." For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall and a bolt through the cock after me." "That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling."
48. I've been watching a little bit of porn since I've been on the road. [raises his hand and "speaks" through it, a la a ventriloquist dummy] "A little?" [pushes his hand down] Shut up.
47. It's interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue. Why did you do that? To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon. "Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy like the feel of cold steel on his hot rock."
46. Death to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.
45. We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.
44. It doesn't scare me that George W. Bush waved at Stevie Wonder. That's OK. Stevie's only been blind since birth! And there's W. going: "Stevie!" Even Stevie Wonder's going, "Is that mother fucker waving at me? Does he think I'm looking for him? Goddamn!"
43. They say the platypus was an animal designed by committee. Was the human body designed by committee? Was there a group of guys who designed it? Was a guy going "Tom, do you have those designs for the human reproductive system?" I do, Ted. Let's show you what we came up with. Normally, with the mammal penis, we have the retractable. We decided to do something different from the mammal... the male penis, the human. We call it the collapsible."
42. Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.
41. I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"
40. When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?
39. We're now under the offices of Homeland Security. Tom Ridge ever so often goes: "Today is a blue day." "No, orange" "Red". They had to be very careful picking that name: "Homeland Security". They couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going: "That's a good one!"
38. As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."
37. I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.
36. And it's not bad enough that they make porn movies, they make porn movies of MY movies. They made "Good Will Humping." It's okay. "Wet Dreams May Cum," all right. "Snatch Adams"? That was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Fuck off! You know, "Popeye", I would watch.
35. Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."
34. George W Bush almost died from a fucking pretzel. We have billions of dollars in national defense. They want billions more for national security.
And he almost fucking goes down from snack food! Secret Service is going: "Game over, man!" "Gilligan's down. Gilligan's down." "Step away from the chip, sir!" We have to have people go: "Hydrate, you bastard!" His own dogs didn't give a shit. They were licking him for the salt.
33. I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
32. They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!
31. When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
30. My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going "Two Jews walk into a bar..."
29. What kind of food did we drop on Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter...just add a Honey Baked Ham and you've got a redneck Christmas. Why are we dropping this food on Afghanistan? Tastes a hell of a lot better than dirt, number one. Number two, difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Thirdly, Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, (intense, stoned stare) "Pop-Tarts!"
28. Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.
27. Carpe per diem - seize the check.
26. After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
25. The Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention. If there's ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going: "Vhat was that noise?" In their big hollowed up country, with their chocolate and their watches. Ya! The nice Germans. Ya! Or, as they like to say, "the other white race." I have only one question: How can you trust an army, that has a wine opener on its knife?
24. I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
23. The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care.
22. I love running cross country... On a track, I feel like a hamster.
21. Jesus was an only child. Thank God! Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ? That's a tough gig. "Come on, Jerry, we're going to the beach." Jesus's gonna walk on the water, feed everybody, heal them and get a whole bunch of disciples. I'll sit there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day for me!
20. To be honest, Im kind of challenged in terms of new music. I listen to a lot of Jazz, specifically Keith Jarrett piano solos. And for me, if you want just wonderful ballads and love songs, Tom Waits. I might also have to throw in Radiohead, but I cant quote specific lyrics. AND PRINCE! For those special nights.
19. Jack Nicholson was with me at a benefit and leaned over and said even oysters have enemies. In a very intense voice. I responded with Increase your dosage.'
18. I don't play (golf). I was once at a driving range with my son, I hit 2 balls, and he said "Dad, that's enough."
17. Pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your moods. Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy motherfuckers there. Guys going: "Hey, fuck you, my man!" "Hey, listen to me." "Listen to me, you piece of shit." "You do not know shit about fuck, my man." "You want a piece of yourself?" "Step outside, I'll kick my ass". "I've already shit myself. I'm half way there".
16. I'm still waiting for the next Call of Duty. It's been very unusual for me because I've done trips overseas to Iraq and Afghanistan, and I would see guys who had just come back from patrol playing Call of Duty, and I would say "you're living this stuff! And yet you're still playing this game..."
15. And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.
14. My Irish accent transitions into two or three others. It slips into Welsh, Scottish, and then it just starts to break down.
13. Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, "Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on Jack! Standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going "Heh heh heh heh!!!!" And that damn organ music too, the whole [does intro to "Charge!"]! Third base coach is always doing this...[wiping nose, fidgeting around]. When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line! People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, "You're out!" "No, baby, I'm up now! Ha ha ha!"
12. Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
11. We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.
10. A woman in the Dallas airport came up to me and literally said "Be zany." Like she had walked up to Baryshnikov and said "dance." I didn't know how to respond. I just went "Thank you! And Lincoln freed everyone."
9. My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings. And a favourite book as a child? Growing up, it was The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe I would read the whole C.S. Lewis series out loud to my kids. I was once reading to Zelda, and she said dont do any voices. Just read it as yourself. So I did, I just read it straight, and she said thats better.'
8. [On the flying scenes in Hook] I felt bad for the five guys who had to haul my fat ass up. At that time there were very few mechanical devices so it was literally guys on pulleys flying me across - I think it was 2 guys to pull me across. They would say "we're doing another take" and they would say "oh, not again."
7. For me, the one big question is: how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs? How do you do that one? Even kids are going: "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this?" And you don't want a kid biting the head off a chocolate Jesus. You don't want a cream filled cross... You don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going: "We're looking for Jesus, kids, come on!"
6. I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"
5. Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
4. One time in makeup as Mrs. Doubtfire, I walked into a sex shop in San Francisco and tried to buy a double-headed dildo. Just because. Why not? And the guy was about to sell it to me until he realised it was me Robin Williams not an older Scottish woman coming in to look for a very large dildo and a jar of lube. He just laughed and said, What are you doing here? and I left. Did I make the purchase? No. Did I walk away with a really good story? Yes.
3. I think I am sometimes a poster child for arrested development in terms of I'm fascinated with toys and games. And I'm spontaneous. But no food fights. I'm gluten free.
2. I'm looking forward to the next Xbox. I can't imagine the graphics being any better. It will be like these characters are living in your house. I'll have to be doing duck and cover just to get to the bathroom!
1. There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, "People - they're kinda like flowers, and it's been a privilege walking in your garden." My love goes with you.
