Surprise complete in theme park opening

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Mon, 28 May 2001 10:03:26 GMT

FROM MOUNTAIN MEDIA FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE DATED APRIL 1, 2001 THE LIBERTARIAN, By Vin Suprynowicz Surprise complete in theme park opening

"We fought the good fight, but now it's time to face reality," explained U.S. Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev., as behind him Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce spokesman Pat Shalmy and Nevada Resort Association president Bill Bible briefly raised their voices, vying for a seat in the lead car for the first public demonstration run of the "Nuclearland" train ride.

"Southern Nevada's economy is based on tourism, and in Yucca Mountain and this new 'Nuclearland' joint venture among Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Eisner and the Department of Energy, we're getting a top-of-the-line attraction which will appeal to tourists around the world, while paying each Nevada 'Citizen-of-Record' more than any Alaskan ever got for any damned oil pipeline," Sen. Reid stressed, as the up-till-now hush-hush project was formally unveiled to a surprised and delighted audience of select press and other dignitaries at 7 p.m. March 31.

"I believe it's accurate to say there's literally nothing else like Nuclearland on the face of the earth," a beaming Sen. Reid continued, after being introduced by incoming Bush administration Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham. "Believe me, I've seen that chintzy little Buddhist temple at Hiroshima, with the plaque and the gong, and they've got nothing on us. That one's not even interactive. Here, our Robert Oppenheimer figure is fully interactive."

(The press booklet for the opening gala reports the life-size, talking Oppenheimer figure was animated by the same technical wizards who created the popular "talking gods and goddesses" at the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace.)

Messrs. Shalmy and Bible seemed to particularly enjoy the final segment of the Nuclearland train ride, in which patrons get to choose a raw steak or live lobster from a trackside tank, whereupon Chef Toshiro affixes the meal-to-be on a skewer outside the window of the rider's car. The train then proceeds through the eerie, blue-lit "Grotto of the Casks," emerging on the other side to disgorge its passengers at Picnicland, where Mr. Toshiro's tableside demonstration chefs quickly chop up the now-thoroughly-cooked entrees, much to the patrons' mouth-watering delight.

"Lighting bills? Heating bills? A thing of the past at an attraction like Nuclearland," explained Mr. Spielberg, who flew in from Auckland, N.Z., scene of his latest honeymoon with new bride Kirsten Dunst, especially for the surprise ribbon-cutting. "You just wouldn't believe the economics of a project like this, especially once you take into account the DOE subsidies."

Counting the $3,000 annual payments to each Nevada "Citizen-of-Record" (with proof of residence established as of April 15, 2000) secretly negotiated by special gubernatorial envoy Scott Scherer, and direct subsidies under a still-sealed contract with Disney and Mr. Spielberg's Dreamworks SKG production company, the Department of Energy will reportedly spend in excess of $7 billion per year making the combined commercial nuclear waste storage/entertainment theme park a reality.

Meantime, a few hundreds yards away outside the fence, the last 12 remaining members of the anti-nuclear Shundahai Network -- gray-haired, clad in Birkenstocks and calf-length peasant skirts -- chanted anti-nuclear slogans in time with their tambourines as the fireworks and festivities got underway inside the mountain.

The anti-nuclear protesters were accompanied by an unidentified Green Valley real estate heir in a business suit but wearing no socks, who whacked at the chain and padlock with an object variously identified by onlookers as either a sand wedge or a 9 iron, shouting, "You won't get away with this! My 30,000 readers are going to hear about this!"

Otherwise, the only discordant note was sounded when television reporter George Knapp asked Gov. Kenny Guinn, state Attorney General Frankie Sue Del Papa, and former Gov. Bob Miller (who briefly emerged from retirement to help cut Nuclearland's giant, blue-glowing ribbon): "You folks have been winning re-election for years by vowing you'd do everything you could to stop nuclear waste coming here to Yucca Mountain, yet here you are today, passing out these 'Get a Glow On' bumperstickers and potholders.

"Would you care to explain to your constituents why you never did the one thing that might have actually worked -- filed a 10th Amendment suit directly with the United States Supreme Court, asking for a pre-emptive ruling that the federal government has no sovereignty over lands it claims to own inside the borders of Nevada; confirming that the federal government has no more right to open a nuclear facility without a state permit than would any private land owner?"

Rather than responding directly to the question, Gov. Guinn smiled and made a more general, well-received remark about "What a wonderful country we live in, where the First Amendment guarantees members of the press their right to ask even questions like that," as Mr. Knapp was removed from the hall by five burly state police officers.

Tragically, the newsman is reported to have suffered a fatal heart attack and run off the road, his car bursting into flames, in an unrelated accident as he drove the 100 miles back to Las Vegas with his videotape footage later yesterday evening.

"This shows that fatigue remains a major cause of accidents on our Nevada roadways, demonstrating once again why the Legislature should act promptly on my request to authorize mandatory sobriety and alertness checkpoints at the earliest opportunity," commented Gov. Guinn, reached at Ms. Dunst's room in a local hostelry in Lathrop Wells early this morning, April Fool's Day, 2001.

Vin Suprynowicz is assistant editorial page editor of the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Subscribe to his monthly newsletter by sending $72 to Privacy Alert, 1475 Terminal Way, Suite E for Easy, Reno, NV 89502. His book, "Send in the Waco Killers: Essays on the Freedom Movement, 1993-1998," is available at 1-800-244-2224, or via web site www.thespiritof76.com/wacokillers.html.

Vin Suprynowicz, vin@lvrj.com

"When great changes occur in history, when great principles are involved, as a rule the majority are wrong. The minority are right." -- Eugene V. Debs (1855-1926)

"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed -- and thus clamorous to be led to safety -- by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." -- H.L. Mencken

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Government doesn't work. Never did. Never will. Can't. But there are lots of good people. Love them.

-- Bill St. Clair

The Atlanta Declaration

Every man, woman, and responsible child has an unalienable individual, civil, Constitutional, and human right to obtain, own, and carry, openly or concealed, any weapon -- rifle, shotgun, handgun, machinegun, anything -- any time, any place, without asking anyone's permission.

-- L. Neil Smith

Reread that pesky first clause of the Second Amendment. It doesn't say what any of us thought it said. What it says is that infringing the right of the people to keep and bear arms is treason. What else do you call an act that endangers "the security of a free state"? And if it's treason, then it's punishable by death. I suggest due process, speedy trials, and public hangings.

-- L. Neil Smith

A Penalty Clause for the Bill of Rights

Any official, appointed or elected, at any level of government, who attempts, through legislative act or other means, to nullify, evade, or avoid the provisions of the first ten amendments to this Constitution, or of the Thirteenth Amendment, shall be summarily removed from office, and, upon conviction, deprived of all pay and benefits including pension, and sentenced to imprisonment for life.

-- L. Neil Smith

Based on 253 journal articles, 99 books, 43 government publications, and some of its own empirical work, the panel couldn't identify a single gun control regulation that reduced violent crime, suicide or accidents.

-- John Lott, commenting on the National Academy of Sciences report on gun control laws.

Who is a libertarian?

Zero Aggression Principle ("Zap")

"A libertarian is a person who believes that no one has the right, under any circumstances, to initiate force against another human being, or to advocate or delegate its initiation. Those who act consistently with this principle are libertarians, whether they realize it or not. Those who fail to act consistently with it are not libertarians, regardless of what they may claim."

-- L. Neil Smith

(Formerly called the "Non-Aggression Principle", or "NAP")

Why Did It Have to be... Guns?

Make no mistake: all politicians -- even those ostensibly on the side of guns and gun ownership -- hate the issue and anyone, like me, who insists on bringing it up. They hate it because it's an X-ray machine. It's a Vulcan mind-meld. It's the ultimate test to which any politician -- or political philosophy -- can be put.

If a politician isn't perfectly comfortable with the idea of his average constituent, any man, woman, or responsible child, walking into a hardware store and paying cash -- for any rifle, shotgun, handgun, machinegun, anything -- without producing ID or signing one scrap of paper, he isn't your friend no matter what he tells you.

If he isn't genuinely enthusiastic about his average constituent stuffing that weapon into a purse or pocket or tucking it under a coat and walking home without asking anybody's permission, he's a four-flusher, no matter what he claims.

What his attitude -- toward your ownership and use of weapons -- conveys is his real attitude about you. And if he doesn't trust you, then why in the name of John Moses Browning should you trust him?

-- L. Neil Smith

Concise

"Tell me," I was once asked, "What do you think about gun control? Give me the short answer." To which I replied, "If you try to take our firearms we will kill you."

-- Mike Vanderboegh

Also from The Atlanta Declaration:

... like going to the bathroom, breathing, eating, sleeping, or making love, it turns out that self-defense is a bodily function one cannot safely or effectively delegate to a second party.

-- L. Neil Smith

This does not mean that "Marijuana should be available by prescription." It means that morphine sulfate should be available in five pound bags at the supermarket for a couple of bucks, like sugar... but probably in a different aisle, to avoid confusion.

-- Vin Suprynowicz

If you refuse to pay unjust taxes, your property will be confiscated. If you attempt to defend your property, you will be arrested. If you resist arrest, you will be clubbed. If you defend yourself against clubbing, you will be shot dead. These procedures are known as the Rule of Law.

-- Edward Abbey

The state can only survive as long as a majority is programmed to believe that theft isn't wrong if it's called taxation or asset forfeiture or eminent domain, that assault and kidnapping isn't wrong if it's called arrest, that mass murder isn't wrong if it's called war.

-- Bill St. Clair

End the War on Freedom

Surprise complete in theme park opening