Jerry Brown, the Governor of California, is out enjoying a nature trail with his dog when a coyote jumps out of the brush and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control and they capture the coyote and bill the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
Governor Brown calls a veterinarian who collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting his bite wound treated.
The nature trail is shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
California's solutions to routine problems are always complex and expensive!
Greg Abbott, Governor of Texas, is out enjoying a nature trail with his dog when a coyote jumps out of the brush and attacks his dog.
The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and continues to traverse the nature trail.
The Governor has spent 75¢ on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
Texas' problems are resolved simply, quickly, and inexpensively!
This is unquestionably why California is broke and Texas is not.
Received in email.
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420 mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
Will Hillary Clinton's new TV show be called "The Sorcerer's Apprentice"?
Somebody posted an "Alt Right for Dummies" image, containing IQ 90 translations of Vox Day's 16-point description of the Alt Right. I put the two side-by-side in a handy-dandy table: at billstclair.com/alt-right-simplified.html
I received my Gab Original Beta Tester T-Shirt. Modeled below.
Posted on Gab here (visible to non-members soon).
One late night, as they were making their way home from a night of drinking, two young lasses encounter an unconscious man in a kilt. They realize that they have an opportunity to answer that most pressing question, so they lift his skirt. Nothing there but him. They tie a blue ribbon around his manly parts, to let him know they were there, and continue on their merry way.
The next morning, our Scotsman lifts himself from the ground, wipes off the dirt, and finds a nearby tree, to rid himself of the last night's beer. He spreads his kilt, looks down, and exclaims, "I don' know where ye've been, laddy, but wherever 'twas, ye won first prize."
From this YouTube video of Ray Wylie Hubbard's "Screw You, We're from Texas."
I have never suffered an IRS audit (knock on wood), but I was thinking during my walk today about the most satisfying way to handle it. This is my fantasy.
IRS Agent: Hello, Mr. St. Clair. How are you today?
Me: I'm here. 'nuff said.
IRS Agent: I don't see any paper work. Didn't our letter ask you to bring that?
Me: I don't think you understand why I'm here. The criminal gang you work for has been extorting my money for over 30 years. I'm here to offer you an opportunity to make it right. In return, I will allow you to remain breathing when I leave.
When I got my first job out of college, gold was selling for $200/ounce. I made about 80 ounces per year.
Today, gold is selling for over $1,600 dollars an ounce, and I still make about 80 ounces per year.
I've paid about 1/6 of that, or 13 ounces a year, in income tax. Over 30 years, that amounts to 390 ounces of gold. Add 5% compound interest, which is about 75%, and it's a little over 680 ounces. I'll settle for 500, if you deliver it to me within the next two hours. One of those red boxes of US eagles from the US Mint would do nicely. You can probably find a box closer than Philly, but a jet from there should get me my gold in time. I'll pay you one ounce for your time waiting here with me.
How about it?
I doubt I'd finish talking before men with guns arrived in response to his silent alarm, but it's a nice fantasy.
Freenode has posted a policy change for Sunday, April 1, 2012. I received it via an IRC system notice. LOL!