The 2017 Darwin Award Winner

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Tue, 21 Mar 2017 15:37:41 GMT  <== Humor ==> 

Received in email.

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420 mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

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Hillary's New TV Show

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Sun, 29 Jan 2017 13:46:34 GMT  <== Humor ==>   <== Politics ==> 

Will Hillary Clinton's new TV show be called "The Sorcerer's Apprentice"?

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Alt Right for Dummies

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Thu, 24 Nov 2016 14:26:00 GMT  <== Humor ==>   <== Politics ==> 

Somebody posted an "Alt Right for Dummies" image, containing IQ 90 translations of Vox Day's 16-point description of the Alt Right. I put the two side-by-side in a handy-dandy table: at billstclair.com/alt-right-simplified.html

Alt Right Simplified

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Gab Original Beta Tester

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Mon, 31 Oct 2016 18:19:57 GMT  <== Humor ==> 

I received my Gab Original Beta Tester T-Shirt. Modeled below.

Posted on Gab here (visible to non-members soon).

Gab Original Beta Tester T-shirt

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Ye Olde Standard Kilt Joke

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Sun, 16 Oct 2016 12:58:41 GMT  <== Humor ==> 

One late night, as they were making their way home from a night of drinking, two young lasses encounter an unconscious man in a kilt. They realize that they have an opportunity to answer that most pressing question, so they lift his skirt. Nothing there but him. They tie a blue ribbon around his manly parts, to let him know they were there, and continue on their merry way.

The next morning, our Scotsman lifts himself from the ground, wipes off the dirt, and finds a nearby tree, to rid himself of the last night's beer. He spreads his kilt, looks down, and exclaims, "I don' know where ye've been, laddy, but wherever 'twas, ye won first prize."

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Texas Cactus

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Mon, 09 Apr 2012 14:09:43 GMT  <== Humor ==> 

From this YouTube video of Ray Wylie Hubbard's "Screw You, We're from Texas."

Texas Cactus

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My IRS Audit Fantasy

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Sun, 01 Apr 2012 19:09:07 GMT  <== Humor ==> 

I have never suffered an IRS audit (knock on wood), but I was thinking during my walk today about the most satisfying way to handle it. This is my fantasy.

IRS Agent: Hello, Mr. St. Clair. How are you today?

Me: I'm here. 'nuff said.

IRS Agent: I don't see any paper work. Didn't our letter ask you to bring that?

Me: I don't think you understand why I'm here. The criminal gang you work for has been extorting my money for over 30 years. I'm here to offer you an opportunity to make it right. In return, I will allow you to remain breathing when I leave.

When I got my first job out of college, gold was selling for $200/ounce. I made about 80 ounces per year.

Today, gold is selling for over $1,600 dollars an ounce, and I still make about 80 ounces per year.

I've paid about 1/6 of that, or 13 ounces a year, in income tax. Over 30 years, that amounts to 390 ounces of gold. Add 5% compound interest, which is about 75%, and it's a little over 680 ounces. I'll settle for 500, if you deliver it to me within the next two hours. One of those red boxes of US eagles from the US Mint would do nicely. You can probably find a box closer than Philly, but a jet from there should get me my gold in time. I'll pay you one ounce for your time waiting here with me.

How about it?

I doubt I'd finish talking before men with guns arrived in response to his silent alarm, but it's a nice fantasy.

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Freenode Privacy Policy Change

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Sun, 01 Apr 2012 11:37:44 GMT  <== Humor ==> 

Freenode has posted a policy change for Sunday, April 1, 2012. I received it via an IRC system notice. LOL!

Freenode Privacy Policy, April 1, 2012

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Print-a-Cert, Inc.

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Sun, 01 Apr 2012 08:32:58 GMT  <== Humor ==> 

Print-a-Cert allows you to print your very own SSL certificate in a few seconds, for free. They even have a video showing how to apply the certificate to your computer. And how to revoke it.

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Sanford FL Gated Community to Crucify George Zimmerman on Good Friday

Submitted by Bill St. Clair on Sun, 01 Apr 2012 08:29:30 GMT  <== Humor ==> 

J. Neil Schulman at Rational Review - A good story to start off your April Fool's Day.

The Twin Lakes Home Owners Association in the Sanford, Florida gated community where George Zimmerman shot 17-year-old Trayvon Martin on February 26, 2012 voted unanimously, in a special Sunday executive session, to crucify its former Neighborhood Watch Captain this coming Friday, April 6, 2012 — Good Friday on the Christian Calendar.

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